Right now…

This post very well depicts what is going on between me & Mr. M

I’m reading ‘The Senator’s Wife’ by Sue Miller and I relate to so many things with Meri.. till so far what I’ve read

It’s 12:20 AM and I have to go to work early tomorrow but I’m not able to sleep

Two blogs I’m continuously & repeatedly reading through since last week… The Break-Up Diaries and Her Side

Advertisements

Questions….

  • What do I want?
  • What is the purpose of my LIFE?
  • Why did I get married to Him?
  • Why did I agree to marry him when I knew it means relocating to a small town?
  • Why did I marry when all along I knew I don’t like him? I’m not so comfortable talking to him?
  • Do I love Him?
  • How does it feel to be ‘In Love’?
  • How does ‘LOVE’ feel?
  • Why I don’t miss him as much as he claims to miss me?
  • Why do we keep fighting/arguing so much on every single subject? When he claims so much that he loves me.. why can’t he let go of few of his rules?
  • Was ‘V’ really my crush or did I Love him or did he ever love me or had any feelings for me?
  • Why had I consented to marry ‘SB’? Was it just the convenience? Did I had any feelings at all for him?
  • Am I really so emotional as I like to think/show I’m?
  • Why am I so short tempered?
Posted in Me. Tags: , , . 1 Comment »

Weekend Syndrome continues

Last night was yet again a night of continued fights, screaming, shoutings, crying.. over the same topics and issues… over & over & over..
I don’t think even the long running mega serials of Inidan TV can compete with us for the repeat telecasts that we have..
and there were words thrown out like ‘I’m warning you’, ‘This cannot continue like this’, ‘Ask any other guy’, ‘Talk to your dad’ blah blah

As a result .. sine morning I’m in bed but took breaks in between for the daily activities and the eating…
woke up at around 8.30 AM, talked to mom as there was a crow since last evening in my patio and was screaming.. got a thought that my dad’s health is in trouble so called mom immediately & talked to her..
then made tea with the tea bags & parle G and watched ‘Casablanca’ downloaded on itunes and then by 10.30 the call came and last night argument continued.. even after repeatedly cutting the call multiple times..
then continued reading the blogs.. through some one who, Just Speaks Her Mind got hooked onto this stupid TV show.. ‘Rakhi ka Swayamvar’ and watched 2 episodes along with finishing one whole Haagen Daaz 14 Oz Coffee icecream
then the call came again inquiring if I had food… said something and the call was finished within 2 minutes… hooorrraaayyyyy
then again continued with reading blogs and 5 minutes back got call to check on me and to tell me that I should get up and go out.. huh…
anyway I’ve been postponing my plans of going to the Community Library since morning in terms of hour.. but would get up and go now.. wait that would be after I finish this instant churumuri (Puri/Puffed rice, raw onions, chilli powder, salt & oil ) I’ve made for myself 😉 and after I view this post published on the site 🙂

Posted in Me. Tags: , . Leave a Comment »

Continuing…

Just trying to keep up with the habit of putting down things.
It had been a more peaceful day though I woke up early, got up late, went to office a lil late than usual office time; was more attentive in the meetings, didn’t call him for most part of the day except in the morning that too because to avoid the blame later that I didn’t call..
Had a very nice time with the team when we went out for lunch though PW, who gave the treat for his anniversary couldn’t get his wife only for the treat..
after it was day as usual.. had meetings, coffee, read The Break Up diaries, did some work and back home by 6.30 PM and then called again not to get into trouble just told going to get the milk..
went to TJMaxx .. got a nice coffee cup & a Denim jacket that I had been looking for, bought couple of household stuff, milk & ice cream from Rite Aid, just when I reached home and was keeping milk for coffee, got his call.. managed it well and then in the name of dinner it was just 5 mins call…
then the team leads called me to appraise of the client visit and it went on for an hour or so..then back to the blogs and reading Her Side and checking all the Blog roll there…

Main concern for the day.. couldn’t fit into the new jeans.. for whatever reason only my stomach flab is increasing though I’m walking more than I used to earlier and controlling the food…have got to do something about it very seriously…otherwise my only chance of wearing all m pretty skirts and blouses will go off and even when I have a chance t try out things, I’ll have to cover myself with the Chudidhars for my own fault 😦
Have To REALLY REALLY REDUCE THAT FLAB AROUND and get to some “shape”.. so have spent 30 bucks and have fallen for the trick first time and bought some caplets….

Photos & Social Media Tool

I use of the well known social media tools and had posted few of my trip and personal pictures there and today after the “peaceful” regular talks about love, sharing, what Is should do next and all that non-sense, we were left with nothing to talk about but as usual he was not ready to keep the phone and going to sleep…
just to kill that unbearable silence, I uploaded a couple of more photos and asked him to check..(and God knows why did I do that!!) and there it comes… you’ve exposed too much details out there this that and blah blah goes on
not even ready to listen that it is open only to friends… then do all 200+ you know? can anyone know so many people? (is it hard to know 200 people when you work for a company with 50000+ people and you’ve worked for 8 years??)how do I trust? what if mutual friends cause you harm?
when it clearly says its allowed only for selected friends and shared with a few… why all these non-sense?
again I break down .. cry my lungs out :(.. tomorrow again I have to continue with the lie that I ate banana &drank ice cold water which is the reason for my broken voice :(((
Why? why all this pain? why can’t he simply trust me and my capabilities?
I can’t call anyone/talk to any one…
exactly the situation I wanted to avoid all my life and here I’m.. directly landing myself willingly by agreeing to marry this guy of all the options that I had…

Beginning of the End

14-Jul-2009

9 years ago.. I wasn’t sure where I was heading and then the magic happened and I landed with the job on the first day of the Campus interview with the first company for that year and which used to be the most preferred one at that time..
and my friend had mentioned to me that since I write diary, I should definitely make a not of that day when I got the job (I’m talking of 2000-2001 when the previous recession was looming around us) but I was so elated I didn’t do it

and today I marked the End of that beautiful journey with my own hand.. when everyone out there is fighting for a job.. I resigned from a Well paying job which also had promises of keeping me occupied atleast for the next 2 years, where in I was part of a team which had one of the product components that is being talked about by most of the folks in the US and definitely by one who’s Tech savie…
(a product which can help you locate when you lose something)

I felt sooooo numb that I couldnt do anything last night and so journalling it out today
but the talk with my manager went so smoothly and his re-assurings.. it makes me wonder now if they expected it? why was he so cool about it? why did he tell me thought family is over the career?

Anyway… I’m seriously unhappy… crying all alone.. sitting all alone in this BIG world with so many people and absolutely NONE to share my sorrow which includes even that person for whom I had to take this step.. that is 😦

Posted in Me. Tags: . Leave a Comment »

Monday

Guess no would welcome Monday like I do.. 🙂
though its not going to be the same for me any more.. I was supposed to start the ‘END’ for all this fun and excitement that I have… anyway that start the ‘End’ has got postponed to tomorrow though I initiated the mail with my manager much against my will after that bitter conversation that I had last night with my husband 😦
Otherwise day was pretty okay.. not much happening.. scheduled couple of sessions, attended a role-group meeting over the call with my India office then the call with my team 🙂

Then the disaster again.. managed to close the call sharply at 10 PM and then called the number that I dread…
but again my office phone rang and doooom… all that peaceful talk for peace are out of the window and here I’m shouting at the top of my lungs and trying to make him understand that its not sin to take an office phone call specially when they need help once in a while at 10.30PM

Anway I’m putting an end to all this tomorrow.. why can’t he adjust for a while? WHY?????

Posted in Me. Tags: . Leave a Comment »