I’m Lost…..

I’m tired of pretending to be happy… I want to experience how does it “feel” to be happy.. to smile freely to breathe the fresh air that I can see outside.. through the window.. the branches & the leaves swaying… that weather is like where it seems it’s gonna rain but it doesn’t.. its the evening sunset time and I can see the beautiful golden color peeping through the window…

What am I doing… still in the bed.. crying.. crying .. intermittent phone calls from the husband who is living in a different city here in the land of opportunities… checking what I’m up to…

What I want to do at this time… I imagine myself walking in that beautiful park, breathing that cold air.. gazing into the trees.. then a nice group dinner at a good place with my friends.. drive around.. chat .. chat and chat late into the night..

Does love mean so selflessness that you forget your ‘self”? is that what love  asks for? can’t you love someone but hold on to your own self? your desires? dreams?ambitions? does all have to merge? can’t they exist on their own? can’t one be independent after they get married?

I’m ending ‘My’ life.. well not literally… I’m preparing myself for the ‘OUR’ life!!! leaving the job that I got just out of the college , which had been an inseparable(????) part of my life or shall I say it defined me??? … I’m heading towards the life of prepare breakfast.. clean.. think of what to prepare for lunch?watch ‘Desperate Housewives’!! ( have not watched even one episode so far), prepare tea and wait and  say I love you 100 times a day whether you mean/feel it at that point or not.. wait for him to take you to the groceries… (well thats all you can think of shop for).. (why do you need all that fancy formal skirts/shirts for cooking/cleaning a home?)

why am I getting so gloomy?? why do I always like the past that has gone?  will I ever experience what actually means to be ‘IN LOVE’? how does that feeling ‘feel’?

Looking at the tag line of my blog… I just don’t seem to recall when it all used to be s fresh!!!


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