The Day So far

30 Mins : CNN/CNBC
1 Hour: Fresh Prince of Bel Air
1 Hour: Just Shoot me
Now.. Home Improvement!!

Life Changing Events??

A week back..
hands full, mind full of thoughts, surrounded by friends
A Project Manager at a Software company

Today…
6 A.M Wake up Mr., have breakfast at the Inn’s dining hall by 7.30 AM and by 8 AM get back to an empty room with 3 TVs and a Wired(a hotel in US with no WIRELESS!!!!) laptop
and a ‘Hung’ status in a foreign land!!
A Dependent???????(How much I hated that word from the beginning and now thats all I’m!!!)
and then mind full of ????????
What next?
how long like this?
consumed by hordes of so called ‘sitcoms’ on TBS!!
Only company being the blog world!! and the some human voice over the TV…
Feeling crippled!! no planning to be done for the day.. no meetings to be scheduled in the cal.. no calls to be planned for after dinner… no ‘real’ person to be seen around..
Missing… missing and more missing is all my mind can do right now..
… the sunshine and warmth of the CA Bay area .. sitting here in the cold weather of Ohio
… the Mac Book Pro, fighting with getting myself to get used to the Windows and this small screen of this hp machine!!
… the lunch plans… against the microwaved steamed bagged lunches?
… the coffee breaks and small chit chats with the set of people who used to make it to the Espresso bar at the same time.. against the 4-6 cups of coffee that I make instantly from the coffee machine!!
… the misunderstandings, the waiting for IM pings, the iChat status

I need a break from my own thoughts… my own self
What is unwinding? How does one do it? How do I make myself accept this state of me?

And then some issues to be worried about at back home.. so can’t even burden them with my worries as my parents are already having some issues with their year old Daughter in Law who wants it out just when my parents were getting ready to spend their retirement life with the new grandson; just when they thought all their worries were over and they can breathe it easy.. this thing hits them hard… they changed cities, left their own home and got themselves used to the busy city of Bangalore in a rented home on a first floor(where my mom has serious knee injuries and can’t use stairs much) and my SIL chooses this time just after a month of having her baby that she wants to live separately…. that too when my brother works night shifts!!!
They think I’m happy over here… I definitely don’t want to cry to them and make them feel worse 😦

Okay.. enough now… take a break!!

Empty

Empty house.. (will be vacating by weekend)
Empty mind
Empty talks!!! (with M)

Today finished reading ‘A thousand splendid suns’ by Khaled Husseini and was thinking that I’m in so so much better position than those girls going through so many hardships in life and still fighting out to make the most of their life
and here i’m cribbing and all that

but again since I came home after the dinner with the team… sudden tiredness, no mood to do anything at all!!
Packing is proving to be stressful… leaving things behind is such a painful thing
packing/keeping/throwing/leaving it!!
the worst of all the pains.. to leave the people that I like here and going to an empty place… to start from the scratch again!!
all I want to do right now is sit and CRY!!

Stressed about
– sending the ‘Good bye’ emails
– saying bye to K
– questions about how I will pass time at home after working for so long
– what plans
– small small things that have to be done before leaving on Friday

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Fake Smile.. Crying Inside

Everyone is telling me that I look happy… just 4 more days for the freedom(??? what non-sense??? Freedom?? House Arrest is NOT Freedom!! Work/Job that you LIKE is not something that you run away from!!!)…. they say I’m all smiles…and all that..
How much do they(or for that matter any one but me) know.. that I’m falling apart.. I’m crying EVERY minute.. I feel so miserable.. I’m breaking down
I have realized that more than leaving the job, its the fear or its the question of how i’ll live/manage with this person… that’s scaring me..

last night was such a worse night!! just posted few of the old Team photographs and some fun sports/cultural events in my company that I had participated in the last 8 years in one of the social sites and then it exploded… why you keep your personal things on net? GIVE ME A BREAK!!! it was all team photographs .. in OFFICE, few of the trips and few of the sports!! I fail to understand what is SO PERSONAL in that… !!!! M went to the extent to tell me not to touch him and he will not touch me and there is nothing left between us.. AGAIN I lost all the cool, all the things let all my resolutions fly in the air.. and SHOUTED, shouted at the top of my lungs, screamed, cried, I’m sure all the neighbors would’ve heard.. Lost my voice again 😦

Poor my brother had to bear the brunt.. only “real” person with whom I finally opened up and shared all my fears , how things are going from bad to worse to worst… how it’s becoming so difficult with every step, every moment of the day…

I have nothing to look forward to go there… it’s one month left for our First anniversary and I’m already hope”less”, questions, confusions, Arguments and MORE arguments…. that’s what is making me feel BAD.. crying inwards and putting on a “fake” smile!!!

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Somersault

My mind is doing a somersault… I find myself again in the same position .. same position of missing someone SO badly who’s purposefully moving away from me.. in the last few weeks there have been so many changes… changes in the way I think about some one, changes in my professional life, caught in the whirlwind of saying good bye to the work and to “someone” in particular.. who changed from being a good friend to more than a friend and realizing that we can’t afford to do that as we have travelled a long way with others in our lives… I miss K a lot and a lot and just can’t get his thoughts out of my mind and on the other hand he just doesn’t seem to be making any efforts to be in touch.. no IMs :(… no phones.. no attempt to talk to me.. no picking me up in the morning… it hurts so much to see his status light “green” telling me he is always online but not contacting me at all :(.. he feels sleepy early these nights and so no late long chats that I look forward to and added it all so much confusion within my mind and his…the guilt, the right-wrong see-saw, the agony my heart is going through at not being able to talk/see K freely
and then the continuous on-going arguments and fights with M, not so true “sorries”
M’s love .. to the extent of choking me… M’s expectations for calling /being with him on the phone ALWAYS!!, SO MANY missed calls everytime I go out.. ruining all the good times that I would’ve had till then 😦 😦
Missing K, fighting with M, saying good bye to 8 long years of work, no clue of what future holds for me, so many questions from so many people on what next and me with no clue as to what to answer…
all contributors to the change in my mood compared to the lively and the spring in the steps me to the dragging feet me

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Chronicle of Exit

14-Jul-2009 – Informed ST of my decision
18-Aug-2009 – JD informed RHP, RHP walked and took me home
08-Sep-2009 – Replacement joins
10-Sep-2009 – Updated in the system
15-Sep-2009 – Mailed all the concerned – company as well all client list
16-Sep-2009 – Exit interview done
21-Sep-2009 – Send Off Lunch from the Leads
22-Sep-2009 – Send Off Lunch from one of the client person – cancelled; Went with the AM/AB Group
Casual dinner with KB couple
23-Sep-2009 – Send Off Lunch from Client managers (along with my managers)
Send Off dinner from my Team

Needed to visit myself again

Back here as I felt the need to visit myself… things have changed so drastically since last time I visited myself…
Now I’m confirmedly going to be Ex-‘company’.. jobless in another 24 days.. my husband is excited to have me back there but I’m worried
more concerned about the regular fights/arguments we are having
and again trying to get myself with the wind of the new thoughts going on within my mind and all the CRAZY stuff i’m doing and going through.. chatting with a friend at 12 in the night while my husband SMSs me with a ‘Missing you a lot’ message!!
I’m getting ready packing up to get one part of the luggage there.. and for the long weekend and family union
Okay.. I’m tooo excited about something and not able to concentrate here.. will be back again