Restarts?

Have been composing many many and many posts.. almost around 200+ in the last 4 months and none made it to here.. every night I think tomorrow is the day that my blog sees the light and I wake up and let the day pass by with mundane things and time wasting things (like FB/FV) and then I hit the bed and resent the thought of not doing what I planned and start composing the post and sleep eludes me but still I don’t get out of bed and write but continue with the thoughts and what I will write…
I want to write about so many things happening in my Life, so many thoughts, so many emotions that I go through every day!!

Here is a list that I wanted to write in detail about. I saved it in the Drafts in my mail on July 13th and still didn’t make it here..
What am I worried about:

[1] Appaji-Amma fighting , not being happy at all even after they’ve completed most of their responsibilities and have an opportunity to live like they want
[2] Amma – her thoughts most of which I don’t like but can’t tell her; her sufferings – some bought on by Appaji and some from herself
For right now ‘J’ causing the issues at home , which in turn is causing the rift wider between Appaji and Amma
[3] Not happy with my elder bro’s selections – his job and mostly his wife!! and her attitude and what it brought on to our house
Appaji , Amma not being able to enjoy the company of their grandson
[4] MAJORLY – my own decision of marrying ‘M’ – mainly for the reason how his parents are – so much OPPOSITE to what I wanted/wished/imagined always to be
[5] M’s English (pathetic speaking/writing skills), M’s lack of current knowledge/lack of interest in sports/watching games
[6] Me having FORCED to leave Job and Living at home
[7] Comparing my life to
SVats, Push,KSB, Nandan, Savith, SShetty; though I also know about Hema and Priya.. I feel I’m more unfortunate 😦
Also comparisons to Archie, Sandy – who all seem to be having a good life with the jobs, house in US and 2 Kids!!
[8] WEIGHT – I’m envious of how my Co-sis SS looks and gets to wear and pose in those photos!!
[9] I’m worried/concerned about my younger bro – his marriage getting delayed, not enough options and also worried and wishing more and more that he doesn’t get into a relationship like either me/my elder bro and worry for his life… PRAY that his life is better and peaceful than all of us
[10] My own doubts my capability to land in another job, worries about answering what I did in the last year
Not able to push myself enough to start on PMP seriously!!
No clue of how/which way to proceed to .. technical certis or PMP or looking for managerial positions

So.. finally I managed to type in these things.. till it happens again…
Desperately need a restart/reset button for Life!

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Empty

Empty house.. (will be vacating by weekend)
Empty mind
Empty talks!!! (with M)

Today finished reading ‘A thousand splendid suns’ by Khaled Husseini and was thinking that I’m in so so much better position than those girls going through so many hardships in life and still fighting out to make the most of their life
and here i’m cribbing and all that

but again since I came home after the dinner with the team… sudden tiredness, no mood to do anything at all!!
Packing is proving to be stressful… leaving things behind is such a painful thing
packing/keeping/throwing/leaving it!!
the worst of all the pains.. to leave the people that I like here and going to an empty place… to start from the scratch again!!
all I want to do right now is sit and CRY!!

Stressed about
– sending the ‘Good bye’ emails
– saying bye to K
– questions about how I will pass time at home after working for so long
– what plans
– small small things that have to be done before leaving on Friday

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Fake Smile.. Crying Inside

Everyone is telling me that I look happy… just 4 more days for the freedom(??? what non-sense??? Freedom?? House Arrest is NOT Freedom!! Work/Job that you LIKE is not something that you run away from!!!)…. they say I’m all smiles…and all that..
How much do they(or for that matter any one but me) know.. that I’m falling apart.. I’m crying EVERY minute.. I feel so miserable.. I’m breaking down
I have realized that more than leaving the job, its the fear or its the question of how i’ll live/manage with this person… that’s scaring me..

last night was such a worse night!! just posted few of the old Team photographs and some fun sports/cultural events in my company that I had participated in the last 8 years in one of the social sites and then it exploded… why you keep your personal things on net? GIVE ME A BREAK!!! it was all team photographs .. in OFFICE, few of the trips and few of the sports!! I fail to understand what is SO PERSONAL in that… !!!! M went to the extent to tell me not to touch him and he will not touch me and there is nothing left between us.. AGAIN I lost all the cool, all the things let all my resolutions fly in the air.. and SHOUTED, shouted at the top of my lungs, screamed, cried, I’m sure all the neighbors would’ve heard.. Lost my voice again 😦

Poor my brother had to bear the brunt.. only “real” person with whom I finally opened up and shared all my fears , how things are going from bad to worse to worst… how it’s becoming so difficult with every step, every moment of the day…

I have nothing to look forward to go there… it’s one month left for our First anniversary and I’m already hope”less”, questions, confusions, Arguments and MORE arguments…. that’s what is making me feel BAD.. crying inwards and putting on a “fake” smile!!!

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Somersault

My mind is doing a somersault… I find myself again in the same position .. same position of missing someone SO badly who’s purposefully moving away from me.. in the last few weeks there have been so many changes… changes in the way I think about some one, changes in my professional life, caught in the whirlwind of saying good bye to the work and to “someone” in particular.. who changed from being a good friend to more than a friend and realizing that we can’t afford to do that as we have travelled a long way with others in our lives… I miss K a lot and a lot and just can’t get his thoughts out of my mind and on the other hand he just doesn’t seem to be making any efforts to be in touch.. no IMs :(… no phones.. no attempt to talk to me.. no picking me up in the morning… it hurts so much to see his status light “green” telling me he is always online but not contacting me at all :(.. he feels sleepy early these nights and so no late long chats that I look forward to and added it all so much confusion within my mind and his…the guilt, the right-wrong see-saw, the agony my heart is going through at not being able to talk/see K freely
and then the continuous on-going arguments and fights with M, not so true “sorries”
M’s love .. to the extent of choking me… M’s expectations for calling /being with him on the phone ALWAYS!!, SO MANY missed calls everytime I go out.. ruining all the good times that I would’ve had till then 😦 😦
Missing K, fighting with M, saying good bye to 8 long years of work, no clue of what future holds for me, so many questions from so many people on what next and me with no clue as to what to answer…
all contributors to the change in my mood compared to the lively and the spring in the steps me to the dragging feet me

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Chronicle of Exit

14-Jul-2009 – Informed ST of my decision
18-Aug-2009 – JD informed RHP, RHP walked and took me home
08-Sep-2009 – Replacement joins
10-Sep-2009 – Updated in the system
15-Sep-2009 – Mailed all the concerned – company as well all client list
16-Sep-2009 – Exit interview done
21-Sep-2009 – Send Off Lunch from the Leads
22-Sep-2009 – Send Off Lunch from one of the client person – cancelled; Went with the AM/AB Group
Casual dinner with KB couple
23-Sep-2009 – Send Off Lunch from Client managers (along with my managers)
Send Off dinner from my Team

Needed to visit myself again

Back here as I felt the need to visit myself… things have changed so drastically since last time I visited myself…
Now I’m confirmedly going to be Ex-‘company’.. jobless in another 24 days.. my husband is excited to have me back there but I’m worried
more concerned about the regular fights/arguments we are having
and again trying to get myself with the wind of the new thoughts going on within my mind and all the CRAZY stuff i’m doing and going through.. chatting with a friend at 12 in the night while my husband SMSs me with a ‘Missing you a lot’ message!!
I’m getting ready packing up to get one part of the luggage there.. and for the long weekend and family union
Okay.. I’m tooo excited about something and not able to concentrate here.. will be back again

Right now…

This post very well depicts what is going on between me & Mr. M

I’m reading ‘The Senator’s Wife’ by Sue Miller and I relate to so many things with Meri.. till so far what I’ve read

It’s 12:20 AM and I have to go to work early tomorrow but I’m not able to sleep

Two blogs I’m continuously & repeatedly reading through since last week… The Break-Up Diaries and Her Side