Disastrous day

Day was Ok-Ok till afternoon and then I went to the mall to get some ‘essentials’;
But also ended up buying some NOT_SO NEEDED 3 shirts and a Dress a size lesser than I currently can fit into (at 80% off and at 13.97 got easily tempted to get it)
and while paying something happened and my regular credit card didn’t get accepted..tried twice and then tried another card and came home after getting through a long line of traffic jam through the construction sites…

and day was calmer till dinner and then my dad pinged and let me know that there was some transaction alert he got on my Indian bank a/c from a US Store!! and the tension immediately showed up on my face and had to explain to M that I might’ve wrongly swiped my Indian card while trying out .. but the worrying part is that even my US debit card has been charged 😦
A quick call to the Customer service and while the guy there was trying to help.. with my panic and specially M’s questions.. I messed up the whole call and am feeling bad about how the call went (mainly about my stupidity) and not able to sleep at all…
I’m not worried about the money to be exact but..
— how/why I wasn’t careful while trying the cards
— how I confused the customer service rep by first saying I was so sure I didn’t swipe this card and then when M said about other charges and later issues if I was proven wrong and I changed my mind about complaining and to wait for 3 days for the money to be returned as the txn hadn’t gone thru successfully at the counter..
— about how I feel bad about buying CLOTHES that were absolutely not needed
— about my own thoughts/doubts which make me not come clean with M about these things while all along I know he wouldn’t say anything about me buying
— shouting at M while trying to cover up my stupidity/carelessness

Last night also I couldn’t sleep as I was getting thoughts about the positivity experiments and how last year around this time I wanted to write a post about counting my blessings and wanting to write that first thing in the morning today…
but as it is evident .. I didn’t write that post yet…
and tonight I won’t be able to sleep worrying about the day’s events, my indecisiveness about major things (staying in US/moving back to India/ moving to a completely different continent altogether) and avoiding those talks…, how I’ve become so lazy to do even the REAL IMPORTANT things like getting Dr’s appointment!!!

Two posts

in the same day might seem too anxious.. either too anxious to get my thoughts out OR an attempt to NOT lose all those thoughts…

I desperately need a break from this ‘thinking machine’!!

Ok.. here’s what I wanted to write.. last 4 days I’ve been reading up too much.. hopping from one’s Blogroll to others and adding more feeds to my reader and trying to keep up with all and consoling that my situation is not the end-of-the-world situation and I’m SO MUCH better off than many others out there and have to be thankful to the superpower out there somewhere…

These are all some posts that I RELATE TO EACH WORD!!

[1] Job hunting .. specially after a LONG Break.. atleast this girl had a good reason of maternity break but my break was COMPLETELY unfathomable reason in today;s world..
[2] Living outside your country OR Moving back?
[3] Career OR Home Dilemma

Whoever said that Idle mind is a devil’s workshop must have really gone through this hell.. yes.. I had all these family issues even back then when I was working but atleast the 8-10-14 hours at work always re-energized me and specially with the girls’ group talking about nothing and everything during those short tea breaks or simply the time pass with some sweat breaking ball games was SO MUCH fun and now I realize that those were the things that kept me sane..
i had 12-14 hours workdays and Never had any task pending on my To-Do list and now that I’ve all the 24 hours to myself.. the list just keeps growing like the proverbial Hanuman’s Tail 😦
So much of the MOST IMPORTANT things are NOT getting done at all like
[1] getting the bank txn password reset after it got locked out
[2] pending Indian Tax filing for 2 years now
[3] RESUME!!!!!!!!
[4] keeping a tab on all the bank accounts and the Credit cards regularly And also the Utility bills
[5] have almost forgotten how my Expenses tracking xls looked like.. I wonder how I used to tally to the last 25 paise between my earning and spending for the month
[6] check on that Insurance policy terms.. am I supposed to continue to pay or stop now that I’ve paid for 3 years as I thought I was supposed to.. the digital copy is somewhere on this very Hard disk but I just don’t seem to get to it…

Well.. enough of thinking, writing and frustrating/irritating myself and time to GET UP and GET GOING…
See you in a while…

Most ambitious projects

that are going on in my mind for a while now…

1. GET MY RESUME READY and START APPLYING!!! (This is simply going on and off for almost a year now!!)
2. SORT/CLEAN the contents of that 1 TB Hard Drive
3. SORT/NAME and Arrange that 100K+ Digital photographs
4. Clean the mailboxes across accounts
5. Write down my thoughts in this blog and get a good night’s sleep (I keep composing the posts the moment I hit the pillow and when I wake up , I get consumed with the FV and nothing else on the list gets accomplished) .. Now I know what they mean by the word – ADDICTION!! how it hampers your regular day-to-day activities…
6. Figure out the best way to clean all the E-Waste that we’ve accumulated in our house
7. Get to that routine of atleast 30 minutes of exercise (Miss all that fun Aqua Aerobics, walking around in that lovely beautiful green neighborhood in TN)

I guess beginning with the above list one bit at a time will also help me clear the cobwebs in my mind and help me see the bright sunshine of the summer (a few days of which is left and I need to make the most of it!)

Restarts?

Have been composing many many and many posts.. almost around 200+ in the last 4 months and none made it to here.. every night I think tomorrow is the day that my blog sees the light and I wake up and let the day pass by with mundane things and time wasting things (like FB/FV) and then I hit the bed and resent the thought of not doing what I planned and start composing the post and sleep eludes me but still I don’t get out of bed and write but continue with the thoughts and what I will write…
I want to write about so many things happening in my Life, so many thoughts, so many emotions that I go through every day!!

Here is a list that I wanted to write in detail about. I saved it in the Drafts in my mail on July 13th and still didn’t make it here..
What am I worried about:

[1] Appaji-Amma fighting , not being happy at all even after they’ve completed most of their responsibilities and have an opportunity to live like they want
[2] Amma – her thoughts most of which I don’t like but can’t tell her; her sufferings – some bought on by Appaji and some from herself
For right now ‘J’ causing the issues at home , which in turn is causing the rift wider between Appaji and Amma
[3] Not happy with my elder bro’s selections – his job and mostly his wife!! and her attitude and what it brought on to our house
Appaji , Amma not being able to enjoy the company of their grandson
[4] MAJORLY – my own decision of marrying ‘M’ – mainly for the reason how his parents are – so much OPPOSITE to what I wanted/wished/imagined always to be
[5] M’s English (pathetic speaking/writing skills), M’s lack of current knowledge/lack of interest in sports/watching games
[6] Me having FORCED to leave Job and Living at home
[7] Comparing my life to
SVats, Push,KSB, Nandan, Savith, SShetty; though I also know about Hema and Priya.. I feel I’m more unfortunate 😦
Also comparisons to Archie, Sandy – who all seem to be having a good life with the jobs, house in US and 2 Kids!!
[8] WEIGHT – I’m envious of how my Co-sis SS looks and gets to wear and pose in those photos!!
[9] I’m worried/concerned about my younger bro – his marriage getting delayed, not enough options and also worried and wishing more and more that he doesn’t get into a relationship like either me/my elder bro and worry for his life… PRAY that his life is better and peaceful than all of us
[10] My own doubts my capability to land in another job, worries about answering what I did in the last year
Not able to push myself enough to start on PMP seriously!!
No clue of how/which way to proceed to .. technical certis or PMP or looking for managerial positions

So.. finally I managed to type in these things.. till it happens again…
Desperately need a restart/reset button for Life!

Had to kickstart this again before I lose myself again in Farm & Cafe!!!

Starting with a HUGE Apology to for not responding to Varun’s comments and disappearing from the Blog world

Wanted to write about
Counting my Blessings (thought during a nice walk on a bright sunny day during the snow days in Oklahoma)
How Addiction to Farmville and Cafeworld has crippled my regular day activities
Life has become a planning commission than live
While busy planning for life… I forgot to Live 😦
Victim of HCS – the House Car Syndrome

The Day So far

30 Mins : CNN/CNBC
1 Hour: Fresh Prince of Bel Air
1 Hour: Just Shoot me
Now.. Home Improvement!!

Life Changing Events??

A week back..
hands full, mind full of thoughts, surrounded by friends
A Project Manager at a Software company

Today…
6 A.M Wake up Mr., have breakfast at the Inn’s dining hall by 7.30 AM and by 8 AM get back to an empty room with 3 TVs and a Wired(a hotel in US with no WIRELESS!!!!) laptop
and a ‘Hung’ status in a foreign land!!
A Dependent???????(How much I hated that word from the beginning and now thats all I’m!!!)
and then mind full of ????????
What next?
how long like this?
consumed by hordes of so called ‘sitcoms’ on TBS!!
Only company being the blog world!! and the some human voice over the TV…
Feeling crippled!! no planning to be done for the day.. no meetings to be scheduled in the cal.. no calls to be planned for after dinner… no ‘real’ person to be seen around..
Missing… missing and more missing is all my mind can do right now..
… the sunshine and warmth of the CA Bay area .. sitting here in the cold weather of Ohio
… the Mac Book Pro, fighting with getting myself to get used to the Windows and this small screen of this hp machine!!
… the lunch plans… against the microwaved steamed bagged lunches?
… the coffee breaks and small chit chats with the set of people who used to make it to the Espresso bar at the same time.. against the 4-6 cups of coffee that I make instantly from the coffee machine!!
… the misunderstandings, the waiting for IM pings, the iChat status

I need a break from my own thoughts… my own self
What is unwinding? How does one do it? How do I make myself accept this state of me?

And then some issues to be worried about at back home.. so can’t even burden them with my worries as my parents are already having some issues with their year old Daughter in Law who wants it out just when my parents were getting ready to spend their retirement life with the new grandson; just when they thought all their worries were over and they can breathe it easy.. this thing hits them hard… they changed cities, left their own home and got themselves used to the busy city of Bangalore in a rented home on a first floor(where my mom has serious knee injuries and can’t use stairs much) and my SIL chooses this time just after a month of having her baby that she wants to live separately…. that too when my brother works night shifts!!!
They think I’m happy over here… I definitely don’t want to cry to them and make them feel worse 😦

Okay.. enough now… take a break!!

Empty

Empty house.. (will be vacating by weekend)
Empty mind
Empty talks!!! (with M)

Today finished reading ‘A thousand splendid suns’ by Khaled Husseini and was thinking that I’m in so so much better position than those girls going through so many hardships in life and still fighting out to make the most of their life
and here i’m cribbing and all that

but again since I came home after the dinner with the team… sudden tiredness, no mood to do anything at all!!
Packing is proving to be stressful… leaving things behind is such a painful thing
packing/keeping/throwing/leaving it!!
the worst of all the pains.. to leave the people that I like here and going to an empty place… to start from the scratch again!!
all I want to do right now is sit and CRY!!

Stressed about
– sending the ‘Good bye’ emails
– saying bye to K
– questions about how I will pass time at home after working for so long
– what plans
– small small things that have to be done before leaving on Friday

Fake Smile.. Crying Inside

Everyone is telling me that I look happy… just 4 more days for the freedom(??? what non-sense??? Freedom?? House Arrest is NOT Freedom!! Work/Job that you LIKE is not something that you run away from!!!)…. they say I’m all smiles…and all that..
How much do they(or for that matter any one but me) know.. that I’m falling apart.. I’m crying EVERY minute.. I feel so miserable.. I’m breaking down
I have realized that more than leaving the job, its the fear or its the question of how i’ll live/manage with this person… that’s scaring me..

last night was such a worse night!! just posted few of the old Team photographs and some fun sports/cultural events in my company that I had participated in the last 8 years in one of the social sites and then it exploded… why you keep your personal things on net? GIVE ME A BREAK!!! it was all team photographs .. in OFFICE, few of the trips and few of the sports!! I fail to understand what is SO PERSONAL in that… !!!! M went to the extent to tell me not to touch him and he will not touch me and there is nothing left between us.. AGAIN I lost all the cool, all the things let all my resolutions fly in the air.. and SHOUTED, shouted at the top of my lungs, screamed, cried, I’m sure all the neighbors would’ve heard.. Lost my voice again 😦

Poor my brother had to bear the brunt.. only “real” person with whom I finally opened up and shared all my fears , how things are going from bad to worse to worst… how it’s becoming so difficult with every step, every moment of the day…

I have nothing to look forward to go there… it’s one month left for our First anniversary and I’m already hope”less”, questions, confusions, Arguments and MORE arguments…. that’s what is making me feel BAD.. crying inwards and putting on a “fake” smile!!!

Somersault

My mind is doing a somersault… I find myself again in the same position .. same position of missing someone SO badly who’s purposefully moving away from me.. in the last few weeks there have been so many changes… changes in the way I think about some one, changes in my professional life, caught in the whirlwind of saying good bye to the work and to “someone” in particular.. who changed from being a good friend to more than a friend and realizing that we can’t afford to do that as we have travelled a long way with others in our lives… I miss K a lot and a lot and just can’t get his thoughts out of my mind and on the other hand he just doesn’t seem to be making any efforts to be in touch.. no IMs :(… no phones.. no attempt to talk to me.. no picking me up in the morning… it hurts so much to see his status light “green” telling me he is always online but not contacting me at all :(.. he feels sleepy early these nights and so no late long chats that I look forward to and added it all so much confusion within my mind and his…the guilt, the right-wrong see-saw, the agony my heart is going through at not being able to talk/see K freely
and then the continuous on-going arguments and fights with M, not so true “sorries”
M’s love .. to the extent of choking me… M’s expectations for calling /being with him on the phone ALWAYS!!, SO MANY missed calls everytime I go out.. ruining all the good times that I would’ve had till then 😦 😦
Missing K, fighting with M, saying good bye to 8 long years of work, no clue of what future holds for me, so many questions from so many people on what next and me with no clue as to what to answer…
all contributors to the change in my mood compared to the lively and the spring in the steps me to the dragging feet me